Some Thoughts - I don't want to be a stepping stone to someone's heavenly mansion

I found myself awake one night earlier this week thinking about scripture and my lived experience and had a moment of clarity. Life is messy and I can be a bull in a china shop as I try to figure it out. But, here I am pushing forward and taking up space in an honest effort to figure things out.

The set of verses I was thinking about were Matthew 25:35-40 and I'll drop them in below:

This was all brought to my mind by a favorite podcast, At Last She Said It. What really stood out to me was the righteous (or servant's) response to the master (Jesus) which was, "When did I see you beat down, poor, and in need of help? That wasn't you. That was the poor, needy and suffering whom I was helping." It's the sincerity in which the person is serving their fellow people. This person or group of people weren't nice so that they could be like Jesus. They were helping others because that's the right thing to do, because that's who they were, because they couldn't see human suffering, pain and poverty and look the other way. They weren't doing it for Jesus either.

This resonated with me because you know, life is hard and maybe I've had a plate full lately. I'm navigating lots of situations that I'm a newbie to. When a friend reached out asking me how she could serve me in a higher, holier way more like Jesus, and suggested that I take some time to figure out what that would look like, I found a bitter taste in my mouth. I wanted to put up a wall. I didn't want to ponder the way this person could alleviate my suffering. I actually didn't really want her involved with my "problems" at all. Do I doubt her sincerity? No, I think that to her this was a sincere and thoughtful offer. And I'm actively working to at the very least keep that wall a picket fence.

Thinking about this scripture helped me to tease out why I recoiled, why I wanted to build a brick wall immediately. Suffering, pain that's universal and everyone will experience it. What I identified is that I don't want my personal pain or hardships to be used by another person as a stepping stone to help them be more like Jesus. The idea that my suffering or anyone's suffering exists solely to elevate someone else doesn't sit right with me. Now that's not to say that I haven't grown from my hard times or from walking with someone through their hard times. But if our purpose for service is to refine ourselves then I think we need to reevaluate. I want to be seen and to be helped because another person wants to help me. I don't want to be a stepping stone to someone's heavenly mansion.

So what do we do when someone needs a helping hand, but we don't want to, don't like said person, are so busy and wrapped up in our own lives and problems and really can't summon the mindset of helping this person for the sake of alleviating suffering? Is that grounds to pass on service? I don't think so. I know personally that if I waited until I had my crap together to lift others, I would lift no one. I think that maybe this is where grace comes in. If what I bring to the table is my broken and willing self, I think that's where the grace fills in the cracks (or chasms as is often the case). This idea brings to my mind bringing the broken body of Christ to the sacrament table and partaking of a bit of that brokenness and through some mysterious miracle being made whole by it. There's a beauty in brokenness that I can't put my finger on. And when another person offers their broken self to my aid, I hope to be humbled and grateful.

Another question that I've had as I've thought about all of this is what about faking it until you make it? Like what if someone straight up needs help and I have to fill that need? Is it wrong for me to treat it as a burden? Will I eventually come around and have a new heart? Sometimes the tasks just have to get done. And maybe there's the fissure in my thinking, thinking of people as tasks. In some ways I'm left with more questions that answers. But there's a certain relief to be sitting here at my laptop knowing that I figured something out about myself and my interactions with the world around me. That I learned from the master healer, Jesus.